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> . . . . and we'll keep adding and updating .
Warning Poem, by Jenny Joseph
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. Jenny Joseph
"The Benefits of Growing Older"
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harrassment charges to stick.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
* You know the lyrics to and can sing along with the elevator music.
* You can get into heated arguments about pension plans.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
One for the Girls. . . . .
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, for all youíve done.
A Computer Friendship Prayer
By Pamela Randolph Alcala
Dear Lord, before I go to bed,
These precious thoughts are in my head.
God, bless my friends and my family,
Wherever they are, or soon will be.
Please keep them warm and from harmís way.
For these few things, Dear Lord I pray.
And God I ask this more of you
To bless my prized computer too.
I know that this might seem bizarre,
But this is just the way things are.
You see this box of odds and ends,
Holds precious thoughts from all my friends.
It records the kindness each one gives,
And takes me to the place each lives.
It helped to make the friendships grow.
Oh, how I love this PC so.
So please Dear Lord, just take a look,
Inside my electronic address book,
And bless the names that should appear,
Of those I love and hold so dear.
And help my messages convey,
The love for them I send their way
In every email that I send
So thank you God. Good night. AMEN
Five tips for a woman . . .
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesnít lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men donít k now each other.